Well, allot has happened since I last journaled on June 13th.  On the 15th, I had hernia repair surgery done on my left side as an outpatient.  I seemed to do alright until June 18th.  I started running a fever, nothing serious, very low grade, but persistent.  I just didn't feel very good for just having a minor repair surgery.

Father's Day, the whole family went out to Katie's house for a BBQ.  I sat the whole time and was very uncomfortable and weak.  I was still running a fever.  On Monday the 20th, I was still feeling kind of sick.  So I decided on Tuesday, June 21st to call the doctor for an appointment.  I was examined and it was decided that I should go to the emergency room to be checked for an infection at the surgical site.  I got there at 3:30 in the afternoon and never was sent home.  I had more surgery on June 22nd because I had allot of fluid buildup at the site.

On June 23rd, a wound vac (vacuum cleaner) was inserted at the site to collect any fluid.  I was told that I would heal from the inside out instead of from the outside in.  The vac was on until July 18th.  I didn't have any real pain until the dressings had to be changed, which was every other day.  I did heal wonderfully!  The nurse that would come to the house was very surprised that I healed up so quickly.

Now, I have developed hypertension.  I am on two medicines for the condition.  I am also experiencing some dizzy spells and numbness in my hands and feet.  Blood work is being done to try to find out what is going on.

Yesterday, my granddaughter, Gaby broke her arm.  She fell from the monkey bars at school.  She is only ten years old.  I hate to think of her in pain.  She is always a happy girl, full of energy and love.

So has I recover from all the excitement and health issues, I wonder, what God will have me experience next.

Today, we are going to a Day of Recollection with our SFO fraternity and all of the fraternities in our region.  I can't wait to see everyone again!  It has been too long! 

Well, this is it, our big day!

I have been tied up in knots now for a few days.  I wonder if Mother Teresa or Pope John Paul II ever had this problem when they were about to commit their every move to the Lord?

My husband Tom, is as cool as a cucumber about his decision.  Sometimes I wonder if God was calling me to the Franciscan to get to Tom?  Tom says that He really wants both of us. 

Yesterday was our practice for the ceremony.  Tom saw a stained glass window of the Blessed Mother.  His immediate response was that She had wanted us to serve Her Son from the beginning.  Tom thinks that God sent His Mother to do the work and we would have to obey because She is our Mother too.  Sounds reasonable!

Last night all I wanted to do was go and find someone to talk to about my feelings other than Tom.  Someone who was not so close to the situation.  I went to bed instead.  It is now 1:50 a.m., June 13, 2011, and I am wide awake.  It could be excitement and a little fear of what my journey with the Lord will have in store for me.

I am ready and willing Lord.  Let the journey begin!  Lets Celebrate Together!

Only four more days until my husband Tom and I are professed in the Secular Franciscan Order.  I have been so emotional.  Today, I am very happy and joyful.  This morning I said to Tom that all I wanted to do was spend the day with him and in prayer.  He wanted that too.  Of course, though, he is not done with school yet.  Tomorrow is his last day until July 25th.  Then the rat race starts again.

Saturday is our 35th wedding anniversary.  We were hoping to go somewhere for a quiet day of prayer and reflection.  We have been trying to think of where we want to go.  Nothing is coming to mind.  We don't have allot of money to travel by car for one day.  We would need gas money.  We were planning to pack a picnic lunch.  So food would not be a problem.

I just had an idea.  I think that God planted it in my head.  I could take some money out of the saving account.  We really don't have allot saved for the summer though.  Tom will not have a paycheck in the month of July and part of August.  I will still have my retirement checks all summer.  We will be stretching our budget very thin.  I know that God will provide for us.  I guess I don't have very much Faith though.

I wonder if I am being tested?  Time will tell!

Our Profession as Secular Franciscans is only nineteen days away. 

How do you feel about it right now, JoAnne?  I feel excited, scared, joyful, and emotional, like I am going to cry.  I wonder if all these feelings are normal?

My Tom and I have been through so much these last three years.  I feel like I am on a roller coaster.  My emotions are all over the place.  Sometimes, I really feel like I am suffocating. 

When I think about it, I felt like this when I was pregnant with my children.  I guess in a way I am giving birth again.  I am giving birth to a new way of life.  I am following in the steps of St. Francis to Jesus.  Although this way of life isn't that new to me.  I have always given of myself and my gifts to God and my Church Family for some forty years.  Ever since I became an adult, God and my family of believers have been my life. 

When I married Tom some thirty-five years ago, I vowed to love, honor and obey him until death do us part.  I included God in those vows too.  God, Tom and I started our married life together.  We have remained faithful to each other our whole married life.  We don't do anything without each other.

I guess, maybe this is why I am so excited, scared, joyful and emotional about my Profession as an SFO.  This decision I made is the start of a more deeper relationship with the other Man in my life.  I have always had a relationship with Him, but now the SKY IS THE LIMIT.

Praise God..........

As Mother's Day approaches, I try to think back to all the beautiful memories of my son and three daughters as they were growing up.  Allot of the memories are beautiful.  Some are good.  Some are not so good.  I try not the dwell on the not so good ones because I start thinking about where I failed in my motherhood.  Did I not pay as much attention to the particular situation at the time?  Was I negligent?

I look back at my own childhood and wonder what I did that was so terribly wrong to provoke my mother to be so bitter and hateful towards me now?  She is eighty-seven and will not speak to me at all.  We have not spoken to each other in at least twelve years.  I miss her allot.

This next week, my cousin Tania's daughter is coming here for a business trip trade show.  I have never met her.  I am very excited about her coming.  It will be nice to see family.  My cousin, out of the goodness of her heart and respect for my mother told my mother that Maria was coming.  My brother said that he would host a little get-together for all of us to gather in one location.  All of us includes my two sisters and possibly their husbands, children and grandchildren, my brother, his wife and children, my husband, children and granddaughter.  Last and certainly not least my mother.  I feel somewhat awkward about being in the same room with her.  Like I said, it has been nearly twelve years since I have seen her.

I sincerely think that this is part of God's plan for us to reconcile.  I only wish that I felt at peace with this decision.  I have got to remember that God is God and I am not.  God knows best!

What do I do though?  Do I try to talk to her?  Do I just visit with everyone?  I guess I wish that my family and I could meet with Maria on our own.  Then, I wouldn't be feeling so awkward right now about the whole situation.

My Lord and My God, I hope you know what you are doing?  I will obey!    

Yesterday was a busy day of doctor appointments.  My husband had to go and have his blood checked to perhaps help save his brothers life.  Tom's brother may possibly need a bone marrow transplant.  I pray that everything will be alright.  Tom's two other brothers and his sister were also tested.

After that appointment, I went in to my surgeon for a follow up checkup.  Everything was alright!  We discussed surgery on the other hernia.  The date will probably be June 15th.  The doctor said that maybe we shouldn't wait until June to do the surgery.  He is afraid that my condition could get worse.  He did not want the hernia to become an emergency situation as it did last time.  The doctor told me that I had to get in the best shape health wise that is possible.  I now weigh two hundred and twenty-five pounds.  I am four feet eleven inches tall and my age is sixty-three.  I was told that I need to exercise, such as walking everyday and to eat healthy. 

That was easy for the doctor to say, since he was a young resident, slim and trim.  I know that I need to loose the weight.  I know that I can't do it alone.  Jesus, I need your help!  I need your strength to get me through this!  I need you as my personal trainer.  I am afraid! 

The last time I had surgery was March 10th.  Something went wrong with my breathing.  I don't want that to happen again.  I don't want to scare my Tom or my kids. 

Please help me Jesus!  I put my health and life into your hands.  I will really try to exercise everyday.  I know that I can't do this alone.

Our adventure begins........

This past week, I have been on retreat.  A dear friend had been picking me up early and taking me to the place for the retreat. 

Yesterday, Easter, I was miserable.  I felt like I was going to blow up.  I was crying almost the whole morning.  I showered, got dressed and told my husband that I had to go and talk to some friends.  He went with me almost reluctantly.  We got to the church that they were working at.  The parking lot was packed.  My husband had to drop me off.  He drove round and around looking for a place to park the car.  I am sure that that pleased him (ha, ha) to no end.  I started walking to the basement of the church.  I got as far as the church gift shop, when I noticed that Bro. Tito was there.  I went to give him a hug and burst into tears.  The poor man was dumbfounded.  There was another lady behind the counter working.  She asked how she could help.  I didn't know what to say, or how to tell her what was wrong.  I didn't know what was wrong.

I started by saying that I had gone on retreat during Holy Week.  The tears keep coming!  I told Tito and this woman that my friend had been taking me all week to the retreat.  Then I started telling them that she hovered way too much over me.  I felt like I was smothering!  She was like a mother hen looking after her chick.  I really couldn't sit where I wanted to sit or go off by myself without her worrying about me.  She really is a very loving and kindhearted person, but I am sixty three years old.  I think that I am old enough to take care of myself. 

Tito listened patiently and then asked me, if I had been pickup by her every morning.  I said yes!  He continued by saying that when he traveled with a friend to Scotland, he was constantly going here, there and everywhere with his friend.  He said that he got very tense and irritable with his friend.  He told me that when he got home, he needed a two week vacation away from him.  When Tito said this to me, I immediately started to feel better.

It wasn't that I felt completely cured, but I felt a sense of relief from just being able to vent about my feelings.  It also made perfect sense.  He said that sometimes when a person is doing something different with a friend, that friend feels responsible that you should have the best experience that you can have.  All I wanted to do was to be with my Lord when I wanted to be with Him.

So even though Easter day has past, I still have the whole Easter Season of fifty days to retreat with my Lord and all of the days after that.

I probably won't see my friend until May 15th, which is our next fraternity meeting. 

That's OK by me for now.  I need the space to process my experience of that Holy Week and to calm myself.

By the way, I never did talk to my friends.  They were busy with an Easter Egg Hunt with the children of the parish.  My husband and I ended up helping with the hunt.  It was a wonderful day after all!

ALLELUIA!  HE IS RISEN!!!!!!