Well, allot has happened since I last journaled on June 13th.  On the 15th, I had hernia repair surgery done on my left side as an outpatient.  I seemed to do alright until June 18th.  I started running a fever, nothing serious, very low grade, but persistent.  I just didn't feel very good for just having a minor repair surgery.

Father's Day, the whole family went out to Katie's house for a BBQ.  I sat the whole time and was very uncomfortable and weak.  I was still running a fever.  On Monday the 20th, I was still feeling kind of sick.  So I decided on Tuesday, June 21st to call the doctor for an appointment.  I was examined and it was decided that I should go to the emergency room to be checked for an infection at the surgical site.  I got there at 3:30 in the afternoon and never was sent home.  I had more surgery on June 22nd because I had allot of fluid buildup at the site.

On June 23rd, a wound vac (vacuum cleaner) was inserted at the site to collect any fluid.  I was told that I would heal from the inside out instead of from the outside in.  The vac was on until July 18th.  I didn't have any real pain until the dressings had to be changed, which was every other day.  I did heal wonderfully!  The nurse that would come to the house was very surprised that I healed up so quickly.

Now, I have developed hypertension.  I am on two medicines for the condition.  I am also experiencing some dizzy spells and numbness in my hands and feet.  Blood work is being done to try to find out what is going on.

Yesterday, my granddaughter, Gaby broke her arm.  She fell from the monkey bars at school.  She is only ten years old.  I hate to think of her in pain.  She is always a happy girl, full of energy and love.

So has I recover from all the excitement and health issues, I wonder, what God will have me experience next.

Today, we are going to a Day of Recollection with our SFO fraternity and all of the fraternities in our region.  I can't wait to see everyone again!  It has been too long! 

Well, this is it, our big day!

I have been tied up in knots now for a few days.  I wonder if Mother Teresa or Pope John Paul II ever had this problem when they were about to commit their every move to the Lord?

My husband Tom, is as cool as a cucumber about his decision.  Sometimes I wonder if God was calling me to the Franciscan to get to Tom?  Tom says that He really wants both of us. 

Yesterday was our practice for the ceremony.  Tom saw a stained glass window of the Blessed Mother.  His immediate response was that She had wanted us to serve Her Son from the beginning.  Tom thinks that God sent His Mother to do the work and we would have to obey because She is our Mother too.  Sounds reasonable!

Last night all I wanted to do was go and find someone to talk to about my feelings other than Tom.  Someone who was not so close to the situation.  I went to bed instead.  It is now 1:50 a.m., June 13, 2011, and I am wide awake.  It could be excitement and a little fear of what my journey with the Lord will have in store for me.

I am ready and willing Lord.  Let the journey begin!  Lets Celebrate Together!

Only four more days until my husband Tom and I are professed in the Secular Franciscan Order.  I have been so emotional.  Today, I am very happy and joyful.  This morning I said to Tom that all I wanted to do was spend the day with him and in prayer.  He wanted that too.  Of course, though, he is not done with school yet.  Tomorrow is his last day until July 25th.  Then the rat race starts again.

Saturday is our 35th wedding anniversary.  We were hoping to go somewhere for a quiet day of prayer and reflection.  We have been trying to think of where we want to go.  Nothing is coming to mind.  We don't have allot of money to travel by car for one day.  We would need gas money.  We were planning to pack a picnic lunch.  So food would not be a problem.

I just had an idea.  I think that God planted it in my head.  I could take some money out of the saving account.  We really don't have allot saved for the summer though.  Tom will not have a paycheck in the month of July and part of August.  I will still have my retirement checks all summer.  We will be stretching our budget very thin.  I know that God will provide for us.  I guess I don't have very much Faith though.

I wonder if I am being tested?  Time will tell!

Our Profession as Secular Franciscans is only nineteen days away. 

How do you feel about it right now, JoAnne?  I feel excited, scared, joyful, and emotional, like I am going to cry.  I wonder if all these feelings are normal?

My Tom and I have been through so much these last three years.  I feel like I am on a roller coaster.  My emotions are all over the place.  Sometimes, I really feel like I am suffocating. 

When I think about it, I felt like this when I was pregnant with my children.  I guess in a way I am giving birth again.  I am giving birth to a new way of life.  I am following in the steps of St. Francis to Jesus.  Although this way of life isn't that new to me.  I have always given of myself and my gifts to God and my Church Family for some forty years.  Ever since I became an adult, God and my family of believers have been my life. 

When I married Tom some thirty-five years ago, I vowed to love, honor and obey him until death do us part.  I included God in those vows too.  God, Tom and I started our married life together.  We have remained faithful to each other our whole married life.  We don't do anything without each other.

I guess, maybe this is why I am so excited, scared, joyful and emotional about my Profession as an SFO.  This decision I made is the start of a more deeper relationship with the other Man in my life.  I have always had a relationship with Him, but now the SKY IS THE LIMIT.

Praise God..........

As Mother's Day approaches, I try to think back to all the beautiful memories of my son and three daughters as they were growing up.  Allot of the memories are beautiful.  Some are good.  Some are not so good.  I try not the dwell on the not so good ones because I start thinking about where I failed in my motherhood.  Did I not pay as much attention to the particular situation at the time?  Was I negligent?

I look back at my own childhood and wonder what I did that was so terribly wrong to provoke my mother to be so bitter and hateful towards me now?  She is eighty-seven and will not speak to me at all.  We have not spoken to each other in at least twelve years.  I miss her allot.

This next week, my cousin Tania's daughter is coming here for a business trip trade show.  I have never met her.  I am very excited about her coming.  It will be nice to see family.  My cousin, out of the goodness of her heart and respect for my mother told my mother that Maria was coming.  My brother said that he would host a little get-together for all of us to gather in one location.  All of us includes my two sisters and possibly their husbands, children and grandchildren, my brother, his wife and children, my husband, children and granddaughter.  Last and certainly not least my mother.  I feel somewhat awkward about being in the same room with her.  Like I said, it has been nearly twelve years since I have seen her.

I sincerely think that this is part of God's plan for us to reconcile.  I only wish that I felt at peace with this decision.  I have got to remember that God is God and I am not.  God knows best!

What do I do though?  Do I try to talk to her?  Do I just visit with everyone?  I guess I wish that my family and I could meet with Maria on our own.  Then, I wouldn't be feeling so awkward right now about the whole situation.

My Lord and My God, I hope you know what you are doing?  I will obey!    

Yesterday was a busy day of doctor appointments.  My husband had to go and have his blood checked to perhaps help save his brothers life.  Tom's brother may possibly need a bone marrow transplant.  I pray that everything will be alright.  Tom's two other brothers and his sister were also tested.

After that appointment, I went in to my surgeon for a follow up checkup.  Everything was alright!  We discussed surgery on the other hernia.  The date will probably be June 15th.  The doctor said that maybe we shouldn't wait until June to do the surgery.  He is afraid that my condition could get worse.  He did not want the hernia to become an emergency situation as it did last time.  The doctor told me that I had to get in the best shape health wise that is possible.  I now weigh two hundred and twenty-five pounds.  I am four feet eleven inches tall and my age is sixty-three.  I was told that I need to exercise, such as walking everyday and to eat healthy. 

That was easy for the doctor to say, since he was a young resident, slim and trim.  I know that I need to loose the weight.  I know that I can't do it alone.  Jesus, I need your help!  I need your strength to get me through this!  I need you as my personal trainer.  I am afraid! 

The last time I had surgery was March 10th.  Something went wrong with my breathing.  I don't want that to happen again.  I don't want to scare my Tom or my kids. 

Please help me Jesus!  I put my health and life into your hands.  I will really try to exercise everyday.  I know that I can't do this alone.

Our adventure begins........

This past week, I have been on retreat.  A dear friend had been picking me up early and taking me to the place for the retreat. 

Yesterday, Easter, I was miserable.  I felt like I was going to blow up.  I was crying almost the whole morning.  I showered, got dressed and told my husband that I had to go and talk to some friends.  He went with me almost reluctantly.  We got to the church that they were working at.  The parking lot was packed.  My husband had to drop me off.  He drove round and around looking for a place to park the car.  I am sure that that pleased him (ha, ha) to no end.  I started walking to the basement of the church.  I got as far as the church gift shop, when I noticed that Bro. Tito was there.  I went to give him a hug and burst into tears.  The poor man was dumbfounded.  There was another lady behind the counter working.  She asked how she could help.  I didn't know what to say, or how to tell her what was wrong.  I didn't know what was wrong.

I started by saying that I had gone on retreat during Holy Week.  The tears keep coming!  I told Tito and this woman that my friend had been taking me all week to the retreat.  Then I started telling them that she hovered way too much over me.  I felt like I was smothering!  She was like a mother hen looking after her chick.  I really couldn't sit where I wanted to sit or go off by myself without her worrying about me.  She really is a very loving and kindhearted person, but I am sixty three years old.  I think that I am old enough to take care of myself. 

Tito listened patiently and then asked me, if I had been pickup by her every morning.  I said yes!  He continued by saying that when he traveled with a friend to Scotland, he was constantly going here, there and everywhere with his friend.  He said that he got very tense and irritable with his friend.  He told me that when he got home, he needed a two week vacation away from him.  When Tito said this to me, I immediately started to feel better.

It wasn't that I felt completely cured, but I felt a sense of relief from just being able to vent about my feelings.  It also made perfect sense.  He said that sometimes when a person is doing something different with a friend, that friend feels responsible that you should have the best experience that you can have.  All I wanted to do was to be with my Lord when I wanted to be with Him.

So even though Easter day has past, I still have the whole Easter Season of fifty days to retreat with my Lord and all of the days after that.

I probably won't see my friend until May 15th, which is our next fraternity meeting. 

That's OK by me for now.  I need the space to process my experience of that Holy Week and to calm myself.

By the way, I never did talk to my friends.  They were busy with an Easter Egg Hunt with the children of the parish.  My husband and I ended up helping with the hunt.  It was a wonderful day after all!

ALLELUIA!  HE IS RISEN!!!!!!

Today is Holy Thursday.  I have been on a Holy Week Retreat at the Franciscan Renewal Center.  My SFO sister Rosemarie has been picking me up at 6:30, so that we can begin with Mass every morning.  It has been wonderful.

Today there will be no Mass in the morning.  The Triduum starts today.  The Triddum consists of one Liturgy that continues through Easter Vigil, which is Saturday.  Tonight we celebrate Holy Thursday.  This is the night when Jesus had the Last Supper with his Apostles, the washing of the feet and the Sacrament of Eucharist was established.  There is adoration of the Blessed Sacrament until midnight.  At the end of the evening the priest says the celebration will continue tomorrow.  There is no concluding prayer.  On Good Friday, we celebrate our Lord Jesus Christ's Crucifixion.  It is a very solemn evening.  The celebration of the Triduum continues on Saturday evening with the great Easter Vigil.  All the stops are pulled for the beautiful Easter Liturgy. 

The RCIA Elect are welcomed into the Church.  The celebration is about three hours long.  It is filled with readings of God's Word, which is our rich heritage, beautiful music, liturgical movement and last but certainly not least the Body and Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ.

This celebration blows me away.  There is so much prayerfulness, Church History and Scripture in the celebration to experience.

Everyone should experience this celebration at least one time in their life.  My husband and I have been going to Easter Vigil for nineteen years.  We wouldn't have it any other way.

This year we will serve our community as Hospitality Ministers at the Triduum.  It is our way of saying thank you for loving us.

Alleluia, He Is Risen!

How Great Is Our God!!!!

I have been anticipating Easter this week with much joy!  The excitement that I feel is overwhelming!  I can not describe how happy and overflowing my love for God is!  Everyday all I want to do is be with my Lord!

Easter Joy Abounds!!!!

Well, we have now had things happen in threes.  First, I had to have surgery.  Then, I didn't get a payment to the hospital in on time.  They have made us a payment plan that is not a very reasonable amount for our budget.  Then I had it all planned out to pay our property taxes by April 13th.  Well, guess what, our car decided yesterday to quit starting.  We had to have it towed to the tune of $70.00.  Of course, that came out of our savings, which I was trying to save for the property taxes.  I had to transfer over one hundred dollars to cover towing expenses and mechanics fees.  I am sure that that money won't be enough.

I was talking to a friend of ours about how the devil tries to keep my husband and I from having a relationship with God.  She said that sometimes people read it that way, when actually God is trying to get us to trust more in Him for our needs. 

Yesterday, when our car died, I immediately started to pray the rosary, hoping that the car would by some miracle start.  Then I called our daughter to see if she was close by to come and get me because I was getting very tired and very sore from having surgery only three weeks earlier.  I was telling her about my theory about the devil.  She said that maybe this was God's way of having her and I be together for a little while.  She also said that sometimes it is good to ask people for help.  She said that humility is a good lesson.

What I don't understand is why God would want to keep us from paying our property taxes?

Oh, well, time will tell.  I still put my trust in God!

I'm back.....

I had been feeling really good until this past Tuesday.  I started having digestive problems.  Then I got a hemorrhoid.  So today all I have eaten is a scrambled egg and a cup of tea.  I have lost about five pounds in one week.  Today, all I have had is water.  I am trying to rest my bowels.

I have been feeling very sorry for myself.  I have been praying for healing constantly.  My husband and I are supposed to be going on a retreat on Saturday for our formation in the Secular Franciscans.  If the devil is trying to keep us from making our vows on June 13th, he is going to deal with St. Michael the Archangel.  He is a warrior and champion. 

I am not going to let the devil win.  St. Michael will not let that happen either.

Tom, my husband, is making me a little pudding to eat.  I am hoping that I don't get sick from it.  I am so hungry.  Well, we will see how it goes.

God is in charge of my life and health. 

I haven't journaled since March 7th, allot has happened since then.  On March 8th I started to get very sick.  I started having stomach pains.  On March 9th I went to the doctor.  He was ready to put me in the hospital.  We all agreed to wait and see if this illness would pass.  All night long I kept getting up sick to my stomach.  At 3:00 a.m. I couldn't stay in bed any longer.  The pain was getting very severe.  At 6:15, my husband said that we were going to the emergency room.  I spent my time in the emergency room until about 4:00 p.m.  Then I was taken to surgery.  It turned out to be a hernia.

I am getting very close to being professed into the Secular Franciscan Order.  The Profession Ceremony is on June 13th.  I have been thinking that the devil is out to keep me and my husband from reaching our day.  I know that our Lord and Savior is our constant companion.

During my recovery, I have been praying earnestly for protection.  I want to serve my Lord forever.  I do not want anything or anyone to come between me and my Lord.

June 13th will happen for me and my husband.  God loves me and I love Him.

Since Friday, my husband has been sick with a sore throat and cold.  It went from sore throat, to cold, to in his chest.  He has a terrible cough.  He has been sitting up in a recliner to sleep, since Friday. 

Before he left work on Friday, he joked to a co-worker that he was going to take a sick day on Monday.  The job, sometimes, can be very stressful, but he was only joking (he is Irish).  He really wasn't going to take a sick day.  He had no idea that he would really get sick.  He called into the sick line for work this morning.  Well, the co-worker is very angry with him. 

My husband is not out to make people angry.  He is not a fighter.  He is a quiet, gentle, loving person.  He loves God and all His children.  My husband is afraid that he will be reported and will loose his job. 

Please pray for peace and calmness for him.  He needs to recover.

I am worried that he will get depressed.   

We will trust in the Lord!  We will follow Him in everything!

I have been very excited and emotional lately.  I feel like something is about to break through.  I'm not sure what it is, but it is going to be a very strong thing.

I have been waking up in the middle of the night very agitated.  I have to sit up in my rocking chair and pray until I fall asleep in my chair.  The only way that I am at peace is to pray.  During the day, I have to sometimes put on Christian Music to get through the day. 

I am wondering if God has been trying to reach me.  I have been feeling like He has something for me to do.  I wish that I knew what it was.  I have got to remember that God is God and I am not.  So, I will be patient and just wait until things are revealed to me.  I probably need to be quiet and listen.

Sunday I read in the obituaries that a lady that my husband and I had shared our faith with in the RCIA had passed away.  I will attend her funeral on Friday.  She had a great devotion to St. Anthony of Padua.  She was a fantastic piano player and dedicated her two CD's to St. Anthony.  She used to say that everything that she received from God was do to the intercession of St. Anthony.  I am going to miss her very much.  She was a great lady.  May she rest in peace!

Well, I am going to go and pray now.  I need to be with my Lord! 

Today, I am listening to some Pavoretti.  This music was very dear to my Dad.  He loved listening to Italian music.  It took him back to his roots.

My roots have been lost over many years.  After being disowned by my mother, I have not been able to let go of the hurt.  It is a hard thing to forgive.  I am working on it a little at a time.  My mother will be eighty-seven this March.  I am hoping that I will be able to forgive her before God calls her home.  My new roots are with the Franciscans now.  I am loved and accepted the way I am.  God has given me a new family!  I am truly thankful for them.  I love them very much.  The last month I have been thinking about my Franciscan Journey these last three years.  When I started my formation there were about seventeen inquirers.  Little by little they started leaving our classes.  As I have continued on my journey, I have had my doubts also.  Now I have found that I really trust that God has a plan for me.  He is waiting for the right time to tell me about it.  I have got to realize though that God's time is not my time.  I have to be patient and wait for Him to enlighten me.

I feel very sad that out of the seventeen people that I started with, only five of us are left.  Two people right now have had to stop for a little while because of serious illness in their family.  I was told though that they will return soon.  I continue to pray for them.

On June 13, 2011, at 6:00 p.m.,  I will make my profession in the Secular Franciscans.  I am so excited!!!!  I can't wait!!!!!

I am very moved today by the music of Tom Booth.  This morning I wasn't feeling to well.  My stomach was really bothering me.  I had terrible heartburn.  I still have a little of it. 

I decided to turn on Tom Booth's C.D. of  "Cry The Gospel".  Now, I am questioning why I feel so depressed and worried about what is in the future.  God has always been by my side.  Today, I feel lost and alone.

I need to put my trust in God!  In less than five months Tom and I will make our profession as Secular Franciscans.  Lord, am I worthy to be a Secular Franciscan?  Do you think I am ready?   I am questioning my soul and spirit. 

I haven't journaled since December 2nd.  I have been depressed.  My husband and I have been trying to teach Religious Education to fourth, fifth and sixth graders.  We keep running head on into a teacher who does not want to be a team player.  My husband has put his whole heart and soul into preparing a Sacramental Preparation Program for these students.  It is an outstanding program.  Our Religious Education Coordinator really is happy with the Program.  I am so proud of my husband for taking the bull by the horns and developing such an awesome program. 

There are four teachers on the Religious Ed. team for the fourth, fifth and sixth graders.  Three of the teachers are working very well together.  This other teacher is fighting us tooth and nail.  Tom, my husband, is getting very angry about it.  He has been taking it out on me.  I'm not handling it to well.  I have been trying to put myself and Tom in God's hands.  I just keep getting very angry with this teacher.  I just want to shake her and tell her to just grow up.  I want to yell at her to make her understand that we are do all this for the kids, not for ourselves and not for any glory.  We have discussed this problem with our R. E. Coordinator.  She is trying to be very supportive.  I think that we are going to have to have her talk to this teacher with week.  Every time Tom or I tried to teach this past week, she interrupted us, right in the middle of the lesson.  It is very upsetting.

We are currently in formation for the Secular Franciscans.  We are trying to be patient and kind.  We are trying to follow in the footsteps of St. Francis to Christ.  We are trying to go from Life to Gospel and Gospel to Life.  I can not handle this teacher's attitude. 

God help me to be loving.  Please help me to be open to your will.  You are God and I am not!